It’s a fear that infiltrates and spreads through a relationship leaving distrust in its wake.

Photo: Greg Hayter

One of the worst things about jealousy is that it causes us to lose trust in our partners.

Eventually, it infiltrates every aspect of our lives leaving a feeling of insecurity and anxiety.

Hold on right there!” you’ll jump in.

How can you call it fear?

“How can you call it fear when a woman’s husband becomes abusive during a fit of jealousy?

And how can you call it fear when a little boy tries to throw his new baby sister out of her pram?”

The answer is that jealousy is indeed a very real fear.

It’s the fear of losing love.

The jealous husband is filled with fear when he obsesses that his wife will leave him for someone else. His unacceptable behaviour comes from desperation.

The little boy fears that his mother will divert her love from him to his little sister. He sees his worries as real and his actions are self-protective.

Jealousy is an Insidious Fear

The trouble is that jealousy is an insidious sort of fear because we seldom recognize it as a fear.  And so we fail to understand the cause of the problem.

But although we cannot see the cause, the effect can be devastating.

We cannot see the cause of jealousy because there is always an attempt to disguise it.

The Green Disguise

No-one likes to admit to jealousy.

The jealous husband who is both unwilling and unable to discuss the reasons for his fears finds that he is unable to suppress them.  When his boiling emotions and fear are more than he can handle he takes the only way out that he can think of and reacts in an unacceptable way.

The little boy doesn’t understand why he feels threatened by his sister. He has ambivalent feelings of love and resentment. But he doesn’t really want to hurt her so he pretends that he is only trying to play with her.

The Results of Jealousy

Unfortunately, where there is jealousy in a relationship, logic flies out of the window. Instead of devotion and affection we get mistrust, resentment and anger.  Sometimes even physical abuse.  It can be an intolerable situation.

So how can we address the problem of jealousy?

Unfortunately jealousy can be a complicated and difficult issue.  Clearly it would be a great help if we could understand why relationships are plagued in such a destructive way. But finding the reason can be difficult.

Nevertheless, it’s important to remember that there is always a cause for jealousy. It’s possible that the reason for the jealousy could seem unreasonable and trivial to us.  But it is always top of mind for the jealous individual.  Sufficiently top of mind for it to create a problem.

By trying to find the reason for the jealousy we will go a long way towards resolving the problem.

Your personality revealed in your handwriting

However, there are a few warning signs that you can watch for.  You just have to be alert to the situation.

If you notice more than three or four of the following warning signs it may be time to take action and to do a little bit of careful investigation yourself.

There is also a helpful report online called School Bullying that can help you to identify personality problems that are the result of bullying.

Here are some of the signs that should alert you to the possibility of your child being bullied.

If your child -

• frequently makes excuses to avoid going to school
• Often complains about having a head ache or stomach ache.
• Is unable to sleep or has nightmares.
• Is irritable and moody
• Does not cope socially
• Has developed a poor self-image and low self-esteem
• Is becoming careless about school work which is noticeably deteriorating
• Tries to get out of joining in school activities
• Comes home with scratches or torn books

-  take note because these just could be the warning signs of bullying.

Information will be your best weapon and first line of defence. Use it.

Find out about the personality problems that you child may be facing as a result of being bullied. Check out Bullying at School for further details and tips for dealing with the situation.

Whatever you do – don’t ignore  it.

Children who are bullied at school are exposed to abusive relationships early in life. Is your child a silent victim? Hopefully not. But others may be.

School bullying is a nasty form of mental and physical abuse that can leave permanent scars on a child’s personality.

Clearly, it should be taken more seriously than it has up to now. Not enough has been done to root it out of schools. In fact schools have become a breeding place for bullying.

And it doesn’t stop there either. If bullying is left unchecked it eventually leads to dangerous forms of anti-social behaviour in later life.

Even victims of bullying have been known to turn nasty.

Disturbed youngsters who see themselves as isolated and discriminated against somehow resort to acts of revenge with unprecedented violence. We only have to think of the massacres of Columbine and Virginia Tech in the U.S.A. to appreciate some of the implications.

Cyber-bullying

What makes bullying at schools difficult to eradicate is that it is no longer confined to the school playground or to school hours only.

A recent report on TV showed how school children are threatened and bullied even when they are at home and away from school.

There has been a steady growth of cyber-bullying where bullies make use of internet technology, emails and cell phones to threaten their victims.

Bullying and Abusive Relationships

Bullying is an insidious and spreading phenomenon which is particularly
dangerous because it’s a reflection of all the violence and broader ills that afflict our society.

It’s a problem that often stems from abusive relationships in early childhood. Many children simply do not know what a normal loving relationship is. They have never experienced it. They have only learnt about abusive relationships from the violence that they see around them.

Some see it on the streets. Others live with abusive situations in their homes.

Others again come from privileged homes but pick up bad attitudes from over-exposure to computer games, movies, videos and various other forms of entertainment.

It’s difficult to find a pattern. But if we want to get some insight into the behaviour of bullies we have to take a careful look not only at their personalities but also at their early relationships. And incidentally, there’s a rather fascinating way of learning to understand what makes them tick. A bully’s handwriting will in all likelihood show signs of social aberration. Compare it to the victim’s handwriting and the difference will jump out at you immediately.

School Bullying deals with this fascinating subject in detail by explaining how bullies and their victims can be identified from their handwritings. It’s a system that’s well worth checking out.

Some time ago, Dr Phil on a TV show devoted a whole program to bullying and referred to it as an epidemic. And that’s exactly what it is. Unfortunately, a lot of it stems from those early abusive relationships.

How to tell if your child is being Bullied