If you are in the habit of saying sorry at the  drop of a hat then you may just have the dreaded Mea Culpa Syndrome.

And if you do fall into that category, you will surely be familiar with that self-recriminating  “I Blame Myself” attitude.

But just to confirm take a look at the following signs that should help you to work out if you have -

The Mea Culpa personality:

• You are too quick to take the blame.
• You are too quick to apologize and
• Rather than fan the flames of any argument you take full responsibility for the problem. 
• You focus on your own shortcomings rather than on the other person’s faults

People with this type of attitude are much too quick to concentrate on their own failings.  Not only that; they tend to be guilt-ridden and are likely to accept responsibility for everything that goes wrong in their relationships.   

Is that you?  Do you recognize yourself?  

Try to kick the Mea Culpa habit

If you make a habit of taking the blame it may end the argument sooner but it will only defer the problem in the short term.  In the long run it will create more problems in your relationship than you bargained for.

Think about it carefully and you will see that this type of approach will never work to your advantage. It will only serve to weaken the foundations of your relationship.  

Any worthwhile or successful relationship should be an equal partnership with a lot of give and take from both sides. It should never be a power play where one side calls the tune and the other takes orders.

If you make a habit of putting yourself down, your partner will expect you to take the blame every time and apologise when you have a disagreement.  

So what should you do?

The Mea Culpa Trap

Firstly you need to recognize that you have fallen into the mea culpa trap.  And having accepted that, you need to break the cycle by taking a firmer stand.

• Prepare yourself mentally beforehand by determining what your strengths are.  Then use them to bolster your confidence. 

• Accept that you are allowed to disagree and that it’s OK to do so.  You don’t need permission to put up a reasonable argument.

• Do not give up your rights or your autonomy to someone else. And don’t apologize if you have done nothing wrong. Remember what Eleanor Roosevelt said: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” So make sure that you do not give anyone that consent.

• You are entitled to your own opinion without having to feel guilty about it. So offer your opinion as an alternative point of view. But do not allow yourself to shoulder any blame for disagreeing.

Once you learn how to stand up for yourself you will have renewed respect for yourself.  And it follows that others will have much more respect for you too.

 Visit a related post which may be of interest if you find it difficult to apologize.

But being too self-critical is another matter altogether. It creates a negative environment. And once it is ingrained as a habit it feeds and grows on every one of our negative thoughts and attitudes.

Another big drawback about being too self-critical is that it breeds dissatisfaction. It gives you ” the guilts” and makes you feel as if you are continually falling short of your goals.

Instead of spurring you on to be more successful – which is really your aim – too much self-criticism has the opposite effect. It immobilizes you and keeps you mired in a rut of dissatisfaction.

And it doesn’t stop there. You become a virtual slave to your critical inner voice.

Your critical inner voice

Your critical inner voice is an ever-present negative voice that thrives on telling you that you’re not good enough. If you hear this mean little voice often enough you will accept its negative little mantra and it will soon become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Not only that – your critical inner voice has a habit of taking over.  It thrive on holding you down and keeping you in your place.

Besides, if you keep on running yourself down people will start to take you at face value. They will reckon that there must be some substance to it if you have such a poor opinion of yourself.

Bear in mind that every time you run yourself down you are sending out a message that you don’t have faith in yourself.  The obvious question is:  if you don’t believe in yourself who will?

A continual re-enforcement of negativity can only have one outcome – it will destroy your sense of self-worth and make you lose confidence in yourself.

Loss of self-worth is bad enough but it’s as well to remember that it will also impact negatively on every one of your relationships. The repercussions are enormous.

Bottom line – what can you do about it?

5 Tips to Deal with Self Criticism

• The first thing to do is to recognize that you have fallen into a trap of negativity. As soon as you see this clearly you are already halfway there. Recognition is an important step.

• Whenever you hear that mean little voice, turn it around on its head and repeat the exact opposite message to yourself.

• If your little voice whines “I’m a bad public speaker” repeat three times to yourself; ” of course I can speak in public – even if I have to read it”

• Try to give yourself an easy alternative.   That little “Even if” is an escape clause that helps to reduce the panic.

• Remind yourself about something that you did really well – never mind how small – even if you have to go back to your childhood.

Above all remember that any one of your successes can be repeated.  If you did it once you can do it again. So don’t let that mean critical voice get the better of you.

But before you take a look at them I need to ask you a question.

Do you have any idea what an impact your attitude has on your life?

I want you to think about it for a moment because your attitude is far more important than you realize. In fact, attitude alone can be a most powerful influence for change.

Which of course is excellent news for you because if you are in the habit of running yourself down or belittling yourself you can change all that simply by projecting a more confident attitude.

So here is what we are going to do. We are going to give your attitude a bit of a boost.

And even if you don’t really feel it at first, you will soon get into it and then you’ll start to see the difference.

7  Tips to help you Boost your Confidence

1.    Walk tall and keep your head up. Not only will you look more confident but you will feel better too.

2.    Make eye contact with people when you speak to them.  People who avoid eye contact are immediately seen as insecure.

3.    Make a positive change in your appearance.  Change your hairstyle or buy a new outfit to give yourself a boost

4.    Fake it. If you can pretend to be self-assured your body language will reflect greater confidence.  Not only will others see the change; you will genuinely start to feel it too.

5.    Do what you know is right for you and try not to compare yourself to others.

6.    Put aside your long list of intimidating goals for a while and set one particular goal for yourself that you know you are capable of achieving. Then go for it and you  will see what a boost that will give you.

7.    Smile and try to mean it!

Try as many of these as you can comfortably manage – but above all, remember not to run yourself down – either to yourself or to others.

One more thing – if you would like to check your confidence rating you can do so with a handwriting test at “How Confident are you?” .

Never belittle yourself

Never run yourself down or belittle yourself – some people will take you seriously.

If you belittle yourself there is always a possibility that someone will believe you.

Some people feel the need to downplay their achievements in order to appear modest.

But running yourself down and belittling yourself isn’t modesty. And it’s not humility either.

It’s simply a short cut – a direct route to low self-esteem.

If you run yourself down, not only will people start to believe your rant but you will begin to believe it too. And that is the most harmful part of all because the truth is that your continual self-abasement will act as a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You will stop reaching for your goals. You will start to expect less and less of yourself and you will become more and more ineffective.

If you run yourself down to others or even to yourself you will be actively creating a path to your own self-defeat.  And you will be handing yourself an inferiority complex on a platter.

Can you imagine what this can do to your relationship?

If you continually belittle yourself in your relationship, your significant other can hardly be blamed for eventually accepting the rather unflattering opinion of yourself that you are pushing.

You can’t expect your partner to keep on building you up when you are continually pulling yourself down.

So when you are given a compliment, accept it graciously and believe that you deserve it.

Unfortunately, if you have been running yourself down for some time now it has probably become something of a habit.  A habit that has already found a comfortable niche in your personality.

But take heart.  In my next post I will be giving you a few easy tips to help you  boost your confidence.  Even if you only try out one or two of them I’m sure you’ll find it makes a difference!

Ask someone if she is sensitive and in two seconds she will regale you with proof of her various sensitivities. It never fails.

Confront a muscular worker and ask him if he thinks he is sensitive.  Watch him reflect for a moment only to reveal that he was always misunderstood in his youth.

He will probably mention that few people realize just how sensitive he really is beneath that tough exterior.

Don’t get me wrong!

Sensitivity can be a great personal asset – particularly when it comes to interpersonal relationships.

Sensitive people are great.  They are receptive to other people’s feelings. They understand and appreciate where other people are coming from and they are careful not to tread on toes.

A sensitive person can easily put herself into another person’s shoes and relate with great empathy.

Sensitive people are good listeners.  The list goes on.

But here’s the problem:

We often confuse sensitivity with over-sensitivity.

Over-sensitivity is very different from sensitivity as such – it’s another kettle of fish altogether. In fact, that is why I asked you earlier if you were too sensitive for your own good.

The problem with over-sensitivity is that it provides a fertile medium for misunderstanding. Over-sensitive people imagine that others are out to hurt them.

They feel that they are the targets for criticism and take exception to disapproval.  They are easily offended and take criticism personally. It is often said of such people that you have to treat them with kid gloves.

Well, the truth of it is that over-sensitive people become their own worst enemies.  They have a particularly hard time of it in their relationships.

They are always imagining slights which they tend to fan into conflicts because they are so easily insulted.

What you can do about it

The best way to deal with ultra-sensitive people is to realize that it’s an uphill battle for them to change. It’s as if they were born with an ultra-sensitive gene.

You will simply have to accept that a lot of the compromising will have to come from your side.

It may help to discus it very tactfully but the bottom line is that it will need a determined effort if you want to see some sort of change.

And if you are ultra-sensitive yourself it’s important to recognize it for what it is.

So again I ask – are you too sensitive for your own good?

Think about it.

Yes, your personality does affect your relationship!

And your own relationship is no different. Your personality and the personality of your partner are directly responsible for the quality of your relationship.

It’s easy to see how this happens.

If both partners in a relationship have calm temperaments they are likely to have a calm relationship.  Their personalities combined will have shaped their relationship.

On the other hand, if you and your partner are excitable and volatile you will no doubt end up with a rather fiery relationship!  So yes, personality dynamics certainly have an important influence on any relationship.

Personality Differences

Of course couples don’t always have similar personalities and this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Some differences in outlook can actually strengthen a relationship.

There are many successful relationships where couples are tolerant of one another’s idiosyncrasies and foibles. In fact they find that the differences in their personalities spice up their relationships. Every healthy relationship needs some variety.

However the scenario is somewhat different for a relationship that is taking strain.

A Relationship in Trouble

When a relationship is in trouble, we tend to concentrate on the things that are holding us apart.  We tend to become more critical. Every little difference is magnified and we become disapproving of our partners if they don’t hold the same opinions as we do.

Little things start to irritate us because we don’t agree about the big things. And because we hold conflicting views about the important things we begin to pull in opposite directions.

If your relationship is going through a difficult patch it would be advisable to take careful note of the differences in your personalities.  Because your personality differences probably hold the key to your relationship problems.

Unfortunately, it’s extremely difficult to get an objective view of all this if you are in the middle of an emotional crisis.

Getting an Objective View

I always find it helpful to look at the handwritings of a couple if I want to get a better understanding of the differences and similarities in their personalities.

You can get a lot of information by comparing two handwritings.

If you haven’t had any contact with handwriting analysis before, you may find this difficult to believe. I can only say that I have worked a great deal with handwriting analysis and I have found it to be very effective.

If you would like to follow up on this you’ll find a lot of information about comparing handwritings for relationship compatibility at Graphic Insight.