J.Gresham Flickr

He used to hide his gentle face and soft, furry stomach by rolling up into a tight ball so that I couldn’t even see the dividing line between his head and his tail.

It was almost impossible to get him to reveal his soft and vulnerable underbelly.

Once in a while I would catch him in an unguarded moment peering at me with his little black eyes and I wondered what he was thinking. But as soon as I tried to approach him he would curl up into a little prickly ball. I could even roll him along the carpet – but nothing would make him come out of hiding.

Have you ever tried to relate to a hedgehog? It’s an uphill battle. After a while you just give up trying.

And that’s exactly what happens in a relationship. If you roll up in a tight little ball till only the spikes are visible, can you blame your partner for giving up? How do you cope with a relationship that is all spikes and subterfuge?

It’s such a pity when we show our spikes and hide our vulnerabilities. Because the softer side of our natures is really what people relate to.

So how exactly do you cope with a hedgehog in your relationship?

There’s only one way. You have to understand the nature of the creature.

I’ve encountered many human hedgehogs with prickly personalities. And they all had one thing in common – they had well-hidden soft sides to their personalities.

No matter how prickly the outside appearance, there was always some sort of vulnerability on the inside.  I noticed that the more spikes there were, the more sensitivities there were that needed to be protected.

So what do these spikes show?

They are evidence of an effective defence system that we sometimes use as a protective screen! A defence system that uses anger, resentment, temper, irritability, sarcasm and argumentativeness as ammunition.

We use these defences because they disguise our fears rather effectively. And when we feel threatened we lash out with them.

You can easily spot these defences in handwriting

Any well-trained graphologist who is receptive to the nuances of the hand-written word knows that spikes hide insecurities. When you see a lot of spikes you can suspect a vulnerable underbelly.

Surprisingly, in handwriting our defences really do appear as spikes. You will see them as acute angles, sharp points and harpoon-like hooks. They can make up quite a formidable armoury.

However, there are varying degrees.  In handwriting, while irritability will only show up as sharp little points, deep anger and resentment will appear as slashes, dark pressure and sharp angles.

With a bit of practice it’s quite easy to distinguish a merely irritable individual from an angry one.

But take careful note, because your hedgehog may just turn out to be a really mad porcupine!

Are you the hedgehog in your relationship?

You know that something has gone seriously wrong. But can you put your finger on the cause? If you are deeply involved, probably not!

Most of us would give anything to be able to understand why our relationships are taking a wrong turn.  Unfortunately relationships often do drift into troubled waters.  Conflicting emotions can seriously muddy the waters in any relationship.  They complicate things so that we can’t see the real facts.

It’s understandable, really. When our feelings are deeply involved we lose our objectivity. We lose all powers of judgement and the real cause of our problems escapes us.

It’s natural to want to blame someone.

And so we blame our partners. At other times we blame ourselves because this is often the easiest thing to do when things go wrong.

Mostly we end up hoping that if we close our eyes for long enough, the problem will miraculously disappear.  But of course it doesn’t.

Wouldn’t it be great if we had some kind of bionic vision that would allow us to see deep into our relationships?  It would certainly help to clear up the confusion and allow us to see the relationship impartially from both sides.

Impossible? Not entirely.

Because there is a way that can help you to see the facts. Not with bionic vision, of course. But with an effective method, nonetheless.  I’m talking about handwriting.  And I’ll explain how you can use it the next post.

It’s important to realize that your personality is the key to your relationships and if you constantly afflict your personality with disempowering beliefs, your relationships will bear the brunt of all the abuse you heap upon yourself.

Photo: John Suder. Flickr

Low self esteem makes you self-destruct every time so that you act as if you are not worthy to be loved. You even feel that you are not good enough to be in a fulfilling relationship.

You have probably repeated this to yourself over and over again to the extent that you are now convinced and have it firmly set in your mind that you are simply not good enough.

You should never ever run yourself down – not even to yourself.  It isn’t humility or modesty.  So don’t mistake it for these.  Not only will people believe your unflattering comments about yourself but you will start to believe them yourself.  And you  do realize don’t you that this will act as a self-fulfilling prophecy?

It really doesn’t have to be like this.  You have it in your own hands to change.

People with low self esteem are not weak people.

They can rise to the occasion when the situation demands. But there is one big secret that they have in common and it is this.  They have to be highly motivated to do the extraordinary.  Strong motivation can make them scale mountains.

Susan Boyle did it and look how it changed her life. She never thought much of herself but she went out there – accepted the great challenge that her mother had so badly wanted her to take – and the rest is history. She walked onto the stage a poor, lonely woman that the audience was prepared to laugh at – and she walked off the stage a celebrity!

Many people have turned their lives around by simply accepting a challenge.

You can do the same. Your greatest challenge is to try to see yourself in a more positive light.

If your relationship is sufficiently important to you, you will realize that you need to change your self-perception. Before you can expect your partner to believe in you, you will have to believe in yourself first.

The fact is that it’s really not all that complicated or difficult to do.

Instead of repeating to yourself over and over how inferior you are, just think about the positive things you have achieved and how you can use your strengths to do it again.

Every time you think a negative thought about yourself, change it around and think of your best personality strengths. Let this become a habit. And slowly you’ll find your attitude changing for the better.

As you banish low self esteem you’ll find that others will take their cue from you and show you more respect too. Best of all, your new positive approach will flow over into your relationship.