It can be difficult to apologize
Do you have a problem apologizing? Are you the type of person who hates to say; “I’m sorry ?”
Do you sometimes feel that your life would be better if only you could learn to apologize at those emotional crossroads and really mean it?
Well you’re not alone. Most people have trouble apologizing and many find it one of the most difficult things to do. Some people have such a problem with it that they are completely unable to apologize altogether.
The truth is that learning how to apologize in a relationship is one of the most important things to get right. Unfortunately very few people know how to do it correctly.
Why relationships fail
The inability to apologize in an argument is what causes many a conflict to go on for an unnecessarily long time. It makes the problem linger and it stops the healing process. It is also often the reason why relationships fail.
Just think how dreadful it makes you feel when you know that you have been at fault but are unable to admit it. You realize that your relationship is going to suffer and that there could be lasting repercussions but your pride gets in the way and you simply cannot bring yourself to admit that you were wrong.
You understand intellectually that this is an important thing to get right. But emotionally you can’t bring yourself to say those difficult words “I’m sorry!”
Somehow, it’s so much easier to take the opposite route and allow yourself to feel victimized. In other words, why do you have to spend half your life apologizing for some misdemeanour or other?
Well, the fact is that you know you’ll have to learn how at some time in your life. And the good news is that apologizing can be surprisingly easy. Many people have found that the inability to apologize is simply a bad habit that can be broken.
It isn’t difficult to learn. Like all bad habits it only needs a little practice to get it right.
Bluffing won’t work!
However, it’s important to remember that bluffing your way through it won’t work. You have to be sincere about it. That is the most difficult part. Because you have to make sure that your partner gets the message clearly that you really are contrite.
But at all times, bear in mind that you don’t have to grovel or demean yourself in order to apologize. If you are not in the wrong and you are sure about it, there should be no pretences. Sometimes righteous anger is justified.
You should only feel that you need to apologize when you realize that you are in the wrong.
The best way to learn how to apologize is to put yourself in your partners place. Try to reverse your roles and see how it makes you feel. And if you can genuinely see where you are at fault you will appreciate how your partner must be feeling.
Once you have mentally switched roles it will make a genuine apology much easier. Remember that it takes a little practice and that the first time will be the most difficult.
The best way to disarm someone in an argument is to apologize sincerely and then watch what happens.
The effect of an apology can be miraculous.
Anger will seem to dissipate in a puff of smoke. The cloud hanging above your relationship will simply evaporate. Your partner will be completely disarmed and you will probably end up hugging one another.
All you need to do is try it out. Make a conscious attempt because apologizing is a real conflict breaker. It’s really not all that complicated or difficult to do once you have made up your mind to try it.
Instead of holding on to an argument and allowing grudges to grow, just think about how it’s in your hands to get your relationship back on track. And the best part is that it can work in next to no time.
Don’t let apology phobia ruin a perfectly good relationship. Learning how to apologize can help you experience the magic of making up.
I was involved with a wonderful guy for two years, but he continually would say vile things to me, and would never apologize. Instead would say “I don’t want to lose you.”
Right before I broke up with him he went into a raging “session” because of something pretty stupid. I apologized for what I thought I did wrong to him while he was raging.
He made me sob at how “awful” I was for a good hour. It ended when I went to sleep. The next day I wanted to talk about what happened the night before, and he couldn’t see what he did wrong with what really was his emotional abuse of me.
When I realized he could take no responsibility for or apologize for what he did, that I was in a relationship with a toxic person, and I decided to move on.
I hired a courier to return my engagement ring to him.
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@Amy,
Wow. This is EXACTLY my ex-boyfriend. A “wonderful” person, 2-years, saying and doing rude things, never apologising, saying “I don’t want to lose you…” And ALL the rest. It’s like you were THERE.
I am really glad you wrote this; it helps me to put this person and relationship in perspective. I mean your boyfriend sounds awful- and so does mine! I am sorry you got hurt. I hope you feel better now, over a year later. And I want to tell you that you have really helped me to not feel alone.
I hope you find someone really great.
To Amy:
Wow thanks for sharing your story. That is exactly what happened to me. I thought he was a wonderful person for two years, but he would say rude things to me and never apologise, just tell me my feelings were wrong. I would end up crying for hours and apologising to him instead! I was afraid that maybe I missed something and I actually was in the wrong. I really appreciate you sharing because it helps me to know I wasn’t crazy and that it was best to leave.
Yes, this is very correct for me. I do apologize to keep the family in peace,